Today, Rah and I are going to change things up a bit and write a bit differently. Here is how it is going to go. I am going to start out our blog tonight with some concepts or ideas that have shaped my writing today, and Rah is going to see what has been sparked and she will finish. Sounds like fun! So here goes:)
I have always been told the story about a baby Jesus lying in a manger while his mother and father lovingly stood beside the cradle. Kings and shepherds came to honor the newborn king and brought gifts to celebrate his birth. I was actually, well OLD, when I realized that the birth did NOT take place on December 25th, it actually took years for the kings and wise men to make their way to Jesus who was probably quite old by the time their journey was complete. In a nutshell, this time of the year was chosen for a variety of reasons, but it is NOT because Jesus was actually born on that date. In fact, nobody is exactly sure when Jesus was born. I remember that it was like the wind was let out of my sails when I found out and my Christmas bubble was burst. In many ways, the Christmas that I dreamed about each and every year, was an illusion of sorts.
Disillusioned . . . to be disillusioned is to be "disappointed in someone or something that one discovers to be less than one had believed." Today, I had breakfast with my pastor friends, something that I do once a month. It is an opportunity to check in, talk about life, and to reconnect with one another each month. We are faithful in meeting and have done so for the past 3 years. I look forward to this time each and every month. We share personal struggles and journeys where no topic is taboo. We laugh, we cry, and we support one another. Christmas is a hard time for pastors as a lot of things happen in the church and they literally cannot breath until the baby Jesus is born in the manger on Christmas Day!
After my breakfast, I felt great! AWESOME! Happy, happy, happy! However, as it often does, life happens. Silly little things can drag you down. I popped into Walmart to get contact solution and a few other items. I was standing with another young woman in line waiting for the self-checkout. Another women looked at both of us, huffed a little, walked past us and took the front place in the line. SERIOUSLY! I took a deep breath and smiled at the woman in front of me. The woman walked in front of us, she took the checkout before we could get there, and then she checked out. She saw us, but her agenda was more important than simple kindness and respect. I am trying . . . I am really trying . . . I have been TRYING TO SEE things positively, but I have had to really squint to see them amidst the harry carry of the holiday season.
I try and live a Christmas life all year long. I think people are so disillusioned in Christmas because we are hoping to see the miracles, and trust me when I tell you they ARE there, but they are always there . . . Christmas is NOT one day a year, it should be each and every day as we try to be a light of hope into darkened worlds . . .
Here you go Rah . . .
Growing up, my parents always created the best environment around Christmas time. The house was always decorated beautifully and the Christmas music was constantly playing. Mom usually had something baking in the oven every day that made the house smell delicious, and there was usually a kitty cat sleeping under the tree. We formed some amazing family traditions. Every Christmas, I would get this deep feeling down in my heart . . . so far down that it almost went to my gut. I LOVED it! It was a combination of feeling love, comfort, coziness and happiness and then I would stir it up, and it was like hot chocolate for my soul. Does that make sense? I really wish I could explain it better.
Ever since the day I moved away from home, the holidays have never been the same. I have to try REALLY hard to create that feeling deep, deep down in my heart again. Every year, I try to do the same things that mom used to do around Christmas time. I figure if I decorate my own house, play my own Christmas music and bake my own goodies, that I'll walk in my own door to my own home and instantly feel that "hot chocolate for the soul" feeling. But I don't. I am disillusioned.
Disillusioned means "being disappointed in someone or something that one discovers to be less than one had believed." Amen to that! Mom explained that she was disillusioned when she learned that the birth of Jesus was actually not on Christmas day. I, on the other hand, have known for many years that Jesus was not born on Christmas day, probably thanks to Mom. I'm sure she didn't want me to feel that same disappointment. Although I wasn't dissillusioned by baby Jesus and his day of birth, I do believe that I have been disillusioned by Christmas itself. I re-discover every holiday season that Christmas is less than I used to believe. I am disappointed every Christmas because I have discovered it to be less than I used to believe.
After all that being said, I am not going to stop trying to re-create that feeling that Christmas brought to me when I was a child and through my teen years. It was the BEST feeling ever! Almost like the moment you fall in love for the first time . . . only it would come every single year.
When a person dates someone for a while, they're building that person up. They believe that person will never let them down. They start to like that person more and more every single day. That person will always come through for them. They will always be there for one another. Every day the feelings that develop towards that person are more exciting. The anticipation of the relationship is exhilarating! And then suddenly it happens and in one day, that person knows exactly what love is. That's the feeling they have been waiting for their whole entire life and they want to continue to feel for the rest of their life. They can't imagine what it would be like to never feel that feeling again.
Now that I'm getting older, that's how I feel about Christmas. Around July, I catch a glimpse of Christmas. I start to get excited about it and I start building it up. I look forward to the winter weather, the fireplace, and the holiday classics on TV. I know that Christmas will not let me down this time. I know that Christmas will come through for me, because I need it to. As the days go one, I get more and more excited about what's to come. I can't wait to spend time with the ones I love. The anticipation almost kills me! But then Christmas comes, and instead of falling in love, we break up and I'm a little let down. I feel empty, like the hot chocolate didn't hit my soul and I'm not really sure why.
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