Sheila Day 28 - Dearest Sarah

Dearest Sarah,

Tonight is the final night of a 28 day journey that you and I have taken together.  I have thought over and over about what to write tonight, and tonight is only about you.  I remember last year when you came to set up my Christmas tree, hang out, and have some Chinese with me.  It was the first time that you had been to my little house to stay over with me.  I remember being so excited to share a little part of my new life with you; however, the visit was bittersweet as we were both struggling.  For some reason the Christmas spirit seemed so far away.  When faced with a dilemma, I almost always ask you what do you want to do about it?  Doing nothing is not an option, so no matter how small it may seem, the option IS to do something.  Soooo we brainstormed the blogging idea as we have always talked about writing together and weaving our words in a tapestry of sorts that mirrored our worlds.  It was a great idea and we delved forward eagerly.  Maybe, just maybe, by the end of it, we would have just a bit more Christmas spirit.

Last year was easy . . . wasn't it!  We did acts of kindness and we felt GOOD!  It helped to get us outside of our own bubbles and we saw the world a bit differently as a result of that experience.  However, for me the most treasured part of that was seeing you grow as a young woman and a writer.  I loved reading what you wrote . . . I have always been your biggest fan! It was so amazing to see how closely our hearts are connected as the words were shaped on the pages throughout the month.

After that journey ended, we were both kind of sad.  It seemed that there was something missing for a long time, but we knew that it was important to make the Christmas journey again as we moved into a new year.  Who knew all of the things that would happen in our lives throughout one single year? There was so much joy as we got a new family member in Sam and so much sadness as "life" happened. . . sigh . . . Through it all there was loads and loads of love and lots and lots of conversations.  There were opportunities to carry through the Christmas spirit into your year all year long and we gave what we could when we could . . . it worked Rah!

This year we knew we needed to step up our game.  We needed to do more than acts of kindness . . . we needed to see, really see.  Who knew how painful and difficult this would be for both of us?  I know that I sure didn't!!!  Each and every night posed a different challenge to make the words on the paper reflect something other than the pain and suffering that we see in our world each and every day.  It was so hard to find the positive.  It was so difficult to see the good side of life.  The Christmas spirit seemed so far away . . . or was it?

At first I thought this journey was about finding the hope that I had lost in God's people, but for me what happened was quite different.  I did get snapshots of amazing!  I did get pictures of comfort and joy.  I did find awesome things in the weirdest of places.  I did find a bit of hope.   BUT I did not find what I was looking for there.  Rah I found it in you.  I saw a beautifully gifted young woman, willing to sacrifice time and energy each and every night, to embark upon an unknown journey, simply because we can.  I have shared conversations throughout the last month that I will treasure forever. I have waited each and every day to see what you will write . . . you are truly gifted (I knew it long before you did baby girl!).  I saw the best part of your dad and me reflected in you.  THAT is what gives me hope in this world.

Rah, I know that the Spirit of Christmas IS in you!  I see it as soon as your eyes light up as you talk about Christmas in July.  I see it as you look at animals that need your help.  I see it in your posts that encourage folks to stand for something.  I see it in the way you look with love at Jesse.  I see it in how you love your dad, your brother and new sister in law, your nieces and nephews, and me.  I see it in the beautiful way you write.  I see it in how you treat others with kindness and respect.  I see it in how you love and how you laugh.  I see it in the way you have embraced challenges of a new job that has been difficult and exhausting.  I see it Sarah, and I am so extremely PROUD!  The question is . . . do YOU see what I see?

I love you more than words,
Mom

Sarah Day 28 - Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

You and I sat up last night and talked about how hard this blog has been to write over the last 28 days. I told you that I was looking forward to our last day, and then you said that I'll be sad once it's done. I didn't believe you and I still don't believe you. I said that I was sad when it was over last year because the blog was easy to write. You explained that it was easy to write because what we were doing, brought happiness to ourselves because we knew we did something kind for someone else. Unlike this year. This year, we have been trying to see the good that others are doing, and that has been surprisingly difficult. I'd be lying if I said this has been an easy process, but I'm glad that we witnessed it all together.

Last night, you said that you lost most of your faith in humanity over the course of the last year when you were struggling with the divorce, the loss you felt as you chose to walk away from your churches, and the heartbreak you felt as you watched Grandpa walk away from you and from Grandma, and the rest of your family. You literally watched Grandma crumble to pieces right before your eyes. You witnessed what you thought you would never have to witness. After many years of marriage between Grandma and Grandpa, he chose someone else over all of us . . . His wife, his children, and his grand children. We are all broken from that.

In the midst of all your loss, you were and are still the most positive, upbeat, and optimistic person that I know. I admire the way you handle the difficult situations that God has put you through. When you were struggling with the separation from Dad, and living on your own for the first time, you were always asking me how he was doing because you were so worried about him. You were there when I needed help with Dad. And when I moved home for a year to be with him, you assured me that my decision was the best decision and that he's better because of me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for talking me through those tough days. 2013 was the most difficult year of my whole entire life and I'm grateful that we all made it through.

When you left your churches, I could see your loss every day, and I felt for you. There it was again . . . loss . . . You lost something else that was comfortable and familiar to you. You left behind a congregation full of friends and supporters, and kiddos who loved you. You felt as though you let them down, and maybe you did. But you did what you had to do, because even though you love being Pastor Sheshe, those churches were not where you belonged. You didn't know if that would be a decision you would regret, but I knew that you wouldn't. I LOVE listening to your sermons and I could watch you preach for hours because you're SO GOOD! But . . . you have a knack for teaching and we both know that. Teaching was your first love, and it's hard to leave our first love. When you teach on the reservation, you get to use both of those talents in one place. I think it's amazing that your students often bolt to your office saying they need "Pastor Sheila" and not just Sheila. How rewarding that you can be both of the people that you love to be at any given moment? You are gifted and your students are so blessed!

And then one of the worst things happened to you, and you watched your dad walk away from your mom after having an affair with a younger woman for the last three years. Brutal! Not only that, but it all happened right before Jordan and Sam's wedding . . . it doesn't get much worse than that. But there you were, picking up the pieces again. Not your own pieces, but your the people around you. All you wanted was for your son to have the wedding day of his life . . . you were bound and determined to make that happen, and it did happen. Now today, you find yourself struggling again as you hear details about him marrying "the other woman" this coming weekend. That's going to be a tough day, but once again you're going to be there to support everyone else. You are always there for others before you ever help yourself and that's a wonderful quality. But Mom, I'm telling you that it's okay to break down and fall apart yourself. You do not always need to pick everyone else up that very second. They can wait. Take a moment to enjoy and embrace a good cry once in a while. And please call me when you do, because I will always be here for you the way you have been here for me.

Do you know what this blog has not shown me, Mom? It hasn't shown me that the world is a much more beautiful place when I really look at it, like I thought it was going to. It hasn't shown me that all people are good. It hasn't helped me to see the world in a more positive way, like I was hoping it was going to. In fact, the last 28 days have confirmed what I already know, and that is that the world is not all good and kind . . . And not everyone is as nice as you are. The bad things are still much easier to see than the good and they will probably always continue to be.

Mom, this blog has shown me that the world is not full of people like you. Your "glass half-full, super positive, things will all work out" personality, is found in you and only you. You are the only person I know that can be facing so many life-changing obstacles, and still smile through all the hurt. You always put others before yourself and that's a simple fact. If someone is hurting or struggling, there you are. You have always picked me up when I'm down. You are the person I call when I need to cry or freak out for a moment. When I feel like I'm about to fail or give up, you assure me that if God brings me to it, he'll bring me through it. You are the writer, the artist, the teacher, the preacher, and the mother that I aspire to be. You are always determined to accomplish the things that you want to accomplish and I SO look up to that! You have shown me that with a little strength and a whole lot of heart, that I can be whoever it is I want to be and I would be lucky to become half the woman that you are. This world is more beautiful because you're in it. Are YOU seeing what I'M seeing?

Xoxo,
Sarah

Sheila and Sarah Day 27

 Sheila and Sarah--Waiting

Sheila:  Tonight we get the joy of writing our blog together!  How COOL is that!  Tonight the kiddos are going to stay overnight; however, we are still anticipating the arrival of Jordan and Sam as they got tied up in Fosston with Sam's family.  Unlike many of you, our presents are still under the tree awaiting the rest of our family to arrive.  The cute Christmas clothes have been replaced by comfy socks and sweatshirts.  Sarah, Jesse, and I are all settled in and waiting.

Sarah: Jesse and I arrived at mom's around 5:30. The three of us ate some delicious prime rib and potatoes, then we enjoyed some Baileys and hot chocolate, and then we played Farckle. Like mom said, we're still waiting for Jordan and Sam to get here. Although the three of us have enjoyed spending some time together just the three of us, we're looking forward  to spending some time with Sam and Jordan. Nights like tonight are rare, and even though there won't be a ton of time to spend together, the little amount of time will be worth the wait.

Sheila:  Worth the wait . . . I always worry a bit when my family is traveling.  Better than most, I know that things can happen in a blink of an eye.  Tonight on 2 of the seminary groups that I belong to, I have watched as pastors have begged for prayers as life indeed did happen.   Someone had a heart attack during church and the prognosis was undetermined.  Families were awaiting their loved ones, only to discover there was an accident and their lives were forever changed.  In fact, there were several car accidents that took lives as family and friends were on the way to family gatherings.  Pastors were frantic for prayers and support.  One especially touched me.  There was a 19 year old that was killed on the way to a gathering.  In his pocket was a diamond ring for his girlfriend.  I wonder if he was planning to "pop" the question . . . sigh . . . I worry because I know that nobody is exempt.  I will feel so much better when all of my family is safely gathered in my living room.

Sarah: Waiting can be one of the most difficult things we do. We wait for our family members to arrive safely at their destination, we wait for a response back on an important email, we wait for our grade on a test, we wait for our favorite concert or event, we wait for our wedding day, or the day our child is born. We wait for vacations and holidays, we wait for friends to come and visit when we're lonely, we wait for seasons to change, and we wait for the new year. I have grown to realize that waiting can be one of the most exciting or agonizing experiences and we can only hope that the outcome will be a positive one.

Sheila: Tonight Rah is waiting for an idea to come to her from my prompt.  It is so strange to watch how each of us processes as we write.  I started to laugh as she began doing what I would call "couch yoga!"  Seriously, like the ideas are going to filter from your feet to the brain somehow?  I actually started to laugh at how difficult the last paragraph was for her to write and could see how painful it was as she waited for something to come to her.  This has been a grueling month+ in a lot of ways.  Only a writer knows how utterly difficult it is to watch and wait for an idea, take that idea and give it meaning through words, and then attempt to make something inspirational from nothing.  Waiting for the right words is tough!

Sarah:  Let me just say that the "couch yoga" works. If I'm having a few moments of writers block, I need to do something to make the process flow quicker. I can't just sit and wait for something to come to me, because it won't. Sometimes if I'm having writers block, I just start typing a bunch of bogus and eventually some words will come out that start making sense and give me a little direction. Waiting for words to write is most definitely one the WORST types of waiting. When I'm writing, I want to write quickly and get it done fast. I really hate that sometimes it seems to take me FOREVER to write my blog. Thank you Couch Yoga for always helping me through the tough times!! 


Sheila:  I think that there is a lot to be said about doing whatever you need to do, even if it IS couch yoga, to wait for the right words.  How often do people get angry at one another, spout off harsh words, and then regret them later?  How often do we hurt one another with words that cut like knives?  Whoever said "sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt me," apparently was never hurt by the cruel words that someone said that cut them to the core.  Sometimes I think if we just took a little time, waited, and if necessary waited some more, perhaps a lot more people would have less scars on there spirit.  

Waiting . . . pray for the families that were waiting for a loved one to arrive tonight, but didn't make it through their journey alive.  Waiting . . . pray for the right words when you feel the urge to say something without thinking.  Waiting . . . pray for all of those who are still anticipating the arrival of a loved one as they travel to spend time with family and friends.  Waiting . . . our wait is over and Bunky and Sam have finally arrived . . . Remember to love the ones you were waiting for.  Merry Christmas.

Sheila and Sarah Day 26

Sheila Day 26

Today was a totally hectic day at work and I was buried in STUFF!  I started my car 3 times intending to get over to Administration and then to Student Services; however, it just never happened.  Each and every time I thought I was going to make it out the door, another student came in and I ended up back in my office.  BUT all day long I kept thinking about one thing, I was going to my moms to celebrate Christmas girly style.  It was going to be just she and I!  I couldn't wait to sit in our jammies, eat pizza, watch movies, and I was super excited for her to open her gifts from me.

FINALLY, the day was over and I was able to escape the college.  I texted mom and let her know that I was on my way.  We decided that we needed to pop over to my grandma's first so I could drop of her Christmas gift too.  I always love a visit with grandma and that seemed like a great way to begin our evening.  Mom was looking forward to getting back home, so we collaborated and decided it would be a quick trip.  Weirdly enough though, grandma did NOT get the quick trip memo and the stop took much longer than anticipated.  BUT some cool things happened in those moments that can never be recaptured, and personally, I am extremely glad I was there!

My grandma had a special gift for my mom . . . a watch.  This was not just any watch, but one that I vividly remember my grandfather giving my grandma.  It had little diamonds all the way around the face of the watch face and my mom's eyes filled with tears.  Grandma told the story about how grandpa had told all of the kids that they better not tell grandma that he had bought her a watch; grandma was standing there as grandpa spilled the beans! We laughed at grandpa and I remembered the day fondly.

My mom was touched by the gift, hugged her mom, and said a choked thank you.  Then my grandma said the sweetest words to my mom, "You are the best part of my life dear."  And I got all choked up and the tears welled in my eyes and then they trickled down my cheeks.  It was such a tender moment . . . a mother of 92 sharing a heartfelt thought that was more precious than any gift could every hope to be.  I was so blessed to hear the words from my grandma's mouth, but also to see the reaction as I know my grandma is sometimes a handful for my own mother.  I will treasure this moment in time . . . the connection between mothers and daughters is a true gift.  

We ended up staying for pizza with grandma, not in our plans, but it was in hers.  Grandma is lonely and I can only imagine that she loves to have company.  I laughed as she struggled with the remote control and grumbled about technology.  I showed her how to use the remote which she assured me has never worked before, but ironically it did tonight.  We ate pizza, drank coffee, had cupcakes, and shared a memory or ten.  Someday when she is gone from this world, I will be thankful for those extra moments to see what they shared.  I know that grandma would give her life for mom, and mom would give her life for her mother.  Sigh . . .

After our visit we headed home.  Home feels so different without dad here, but in a way, we just try and get past that.  Most of the things from my childhood memories have been packed up and now reside with the woman who will be my dad's wife soon.  It makes me feel so sad and lost sometimes, but all we can do is try and remember that "this too will pass," probably like a kidney stone, painful and difficult, with moments of peace, and then more pain, but it will eventually pass and some of the pain will subside.  

We got on our jammies and cuddled in to share gifts.  The gifts showed that we listened to one another amidst our own pain.  I needed a turkey baster and an electric knife at Thanksgiving and mom got me one.  She even got me a bottle of wine and I KNOW how much she hates the liquor store!  FUNNY!  I got her two pictures for her wall with sayings that have offered her comfort through the past few months.  The first is one I love, "Be still and know that I am God."  How often do I too just have to stop and be quiet and still.  It offers great comfort to both of us.  The second, was the 23rd Psalm.  It too has been a place of refuge for mom.  She cried, and as the tears streamed down her face, I knew that another mother and daughter had connected.  I would give my life for my mom, and my mom would give hers for me.  Sigh . . .

Tonight ended with laughter as we watched Four Christmases.  It was a perfect topper to the perfect gift of a night.  And tonight as I cuddle into a bed in my old room, I will cherish the memories of mothers and daughters who are forever connected by love . . . and the greatest of these IS love . . .

 

Sarah Day 26

Jesse and I woke up early this morning knowing that we had a lot to do before we could make the drive from Fargo back home to Thief River this afternoon. We had some errands to run, the house needed to be picked up, and the cats needed to fed. Of course the worst part of leaving Fargo was knowing the kitties were going to be alone for the the next three days. In fact, it's almost torture for me to leave them for that long without anyone to check on them. Luckily, they have plenty of food and water, as well as the cat music to keep them company. Yup, I said cat music. It's called "Mood Music for Cats and Cat lovers" and my babies love it! I don't mind it either . . . it's very soothing and makes for some awesome cuddle sessions. =)

When we made it to TRF, Jesse dropped me off at my dad's for a while so dad and I could chat a bit. Dad told me around Thanksgiving that he wasn't going to set up a Christmas tree this year. I wasn't thrilled when he told me that, because in my 24 years I have ALWAYS seen a Christmas tree at the house. Unfortunately, I just didn't have the time to get home ahead of time to set it up myself. When I walked through the front door, I was SUPER excited to see a Christmas tree in the living room! It wasn't a normal sized tree. In fact, it was my miniature Christmas tree that has been tucked away for years. I used to set it up in my room when I was younger and I completely forgot it was still around. Dad knows how much Christmas means to me, and seeing that little tree in the living room with presents underneath it was one of the highlights of my year.

A few hours later, Jesse picked me up again and we made our way out to his dads house. Jesse has several half and step-siblings, so tonight was celebrated with most of them as well as his dad and step-mom. It was a such a nice relaxing evening. We spent our time eating, sipping a little wine, opening gifts, and catching up on life. We usually don't have a chance for all of us to get together more than once or maybe twice a year, so it's important to advantage of the time when we can. Even if that only means a few hours. It was really fun to see everyone and finally spend some time together.

When Jesse and I took off for him to bring me back to town so I could get home, we had some good conversation about how the night went. I met Jesse's step-brother's (Adam) girlfriend and he asked me what I thought about her. She was extremely nice and very outgoing. I think she compliments Adam's personality really well and she fit right in with gang. Adam also bought a house recently, so he and Molly showed me pictures of their home. They also invited Jesse and I over there for supper sometime soon and we're looking forward to that!

I told Jesse tonight that my expectations for this Christmas this year have been really low. But today, I realized that Christmas is probably going to far surpass all my expectations. I LOVED that my dad thought of me enough to take out that miniature tree that's been tucked away for so long, and place it where our normal tree would usually stand. Seeing that gave me my first case of "the warm fuzzies" this holiday season. My second case of the warm fuzzies happened at Jesse's dad's. There wasn't one particular moment, but I just felt happy and at ease. They're all so funny and the laughs we shared were just what I needed to start off our first Christmas (of six) that Jesse and I are celebrating this year.

After my day today, I have confidence that this Christmas is going to be filled with lots of love, great conversation, good food and awesome people. I'm going to cherish the short time that we all have to spend together because these times do not come around enough. There is nothing more precious then being around so many family members in such a short period of time. I'm hopeful that this season, that "hot chocolate for the soul" feeling will come back to me for the first time in years and I'm going to drink it all in!

Sheila and Sarah Day 25

Sheila Day 25: Plugged IN

Yesterday when I was in a  total state of comfort and joy, and cuddling in for a nap, I watched The National Lampoons Christmas, at least the first 30 minutes or so until I crashed.  There is a scene when Clark Griswald has spend painstaking hours prepping the house for this one spectacular moment.  The lights are all strung, the house decorated, and the family is standing around awaiting the ooooh and ahhhhhh moment of plugging in the lights.  The stage has been set and everyone is totally excited.  Clark CANNOT wait as the climatic moment has arrived . . . them moment he will plug in the lights and they will brilliantly radiate throughout the entire neighborhood.  AND then it happens . . . nothing, absolutely nothing.  He shakes the extension cords and still nothing . . . everything is plugged in and yet somehow the lights do not come on.

I got to thinking about this idea with regards to Christmas.  Today was a great day!  I started out the morning by going to Grygla with a friend and her family for the kiddos Christmas program and the Cantata.  I loved being in the church sanctuary and seeing the pretty decorations in the cozy church.  There were kiddos dressed as angels with their crooked garland halos and wings, shepherds, wise men, and kings, one even wore an old yellow chenille bedspread that was a real burden for him to drag around.  There were 20+ kiddos playing handbells, from the wee ones to those that were bigger, and with a lot of hard work and some grace, they made BEAUTIFUL music.

The adults got into it too and they also were a part of the program.  They sang favorites, and Pastor Vickie accompanied.  Man is she a gifted pianist!  I could have laid on the floor, closed my eyes, and listened to her play for hours!  The hour was a gift that will carry me through the holiday season.  However, as I looked around I found myself wondering about the others that were sitting in the church pews.  What did their own Christmas story look like this year?  Where they plugged in and able to see the light in their lives?  It was there, mirrored in the eyes of the little kiddos, echoing through the familiar songs and in the Christmas story, but could they see it?  

After church, we headed home to Vikings and girl time.  Several of my friends come over almost every Sunday to watch the disaster we call the Minnesota Vikings!  I am a fan though and I faithfully watch every Sunday hoping that one day things MIGHT change, and every year I remember, there is always next year!  That being said, today we sat around, chatted, laughed, ate tons, and exchanged gifts.  It was a nice way to spend the day before we all go our own directions in the next few days.  I realized that friends, no matter if they are sitting in your living room, call or text occasionally, or have been a part of your life forever, all help one stay plugged in and allow light into our lives.

Tonight, we all decided to run to Warren as I had to deliver gifts for my mom's friend's little people.  On the way, I dropped off Cal's gifts for the kids so he had them too.  We drove around Warren looking at lights and headed to TRF for a Walmart trip and to drop of Bunky's cookies.   He was happy and I told him NOT to eat a dozen like I did!  Then we bopped off to Walmart.   Perusing through the Christmas isles was fun.  Looking at yummy Santa candy was enjoyable.  The line was not atrocious.  We bounced through McDonalds and ate ICE CREAM!  Then scouted around town looking at Christmas lights . . . they were all plugged in!

Finally, we were back to my house nestled in the countryside all lit up inside like a Christmas tree.  The warm glow coming from the house is also coming from my heart and I feel as though I am totally plugged into the light source. You know, we can be like Clark Griswald where the light's of Christmas are surrounding us.  There can be hundreds of thousands of little lights that could bring us Christmas hope, but if we don't try and see them nothing, absolutely nothing will happen.  However, if we plug into the light source, the brilliance of HOPE can be utterly breathtaking.    

Sarah Day 25

Last night I definitely had some technical difficulties with my computer. My Mac died and I realized that I had left my charger at work. So last night I spent three hours trying to get my crappy desktop computer to work so that I could at least send an email to myself of what I blogged about. I figured if I could send it to my email, then I could access blogger on my phone and finish what I needed to do. 

Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. I was never able to connect to the Internet from my desktop so I had to wait until this morning and try again. I woke up four hours later at 7:00 AM and was finally able to connect long enough to send myself the email. I finally posted my portion of the blog but it had some hiccups in there that I wasn't able to fix on my phone. so I went to my office first thing this morning to get my charger. When I got to my building, I unlocked the door but I quickly noticed that the had doors to the staircase were locked and the elevator was shut down which meant I couldn't get up to seventh floor. Grrr! So right now, I'm writing my post for the day from my phone. I apologize for it probably being short because of that.

After I got back home this morning I decided to stay up and start cleaning the house. Jesse and I will be heading home tomorrow and there is lots to do around here. For the last three weeks, Christmas presents have taken over our entire kitchen table. Normally I wrap them as soon as I purchase them, but this year I haven't had the time. Last night, mom blogged some about wrapping all of her gifts and putting them under the tree and I figured I could probably do that too today since I need to bring them all with tomorrow. So I turned Pandora on and listened to "Christmas hits" while I cleaned the house and wrapped gifts.

Wrapping presents seriously took me three hours! I have never let myself get that behind before on wrapping and it wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it usually is. It felt like such a chore because there was so many to wrap and I waited until the last day. But I still found myself in a cheerful mood as I sang along to the Christmas music and thought about the next few days. 

When I was listening to the Christmas music, there was a song that I have never heard before it was called the "Love is Everything." The lyrics of the song talk about how all we really need is love under the tree and that love is the biggest gift we can give. It says that love is the gift that won't disappear and you can give it to anyone because there's enough for everyone. Another part of a verse says "If you spend a little time, look deep inside and search your heart and I'm sure you'll find that is the best gift you could give this Christmas." 

 The song got me thinking about his true that is. We spend so much time wondering and worrying what we should buy the ones that we love for Christmas, when really, we probably don't need to buy them anything at all. Spending time with those people is so much more meaningful and valuable than any gift would ever be. Love is what Christmas is all about, and there is enough love to go around. We never get tired of love, we never run out of love, and we need love. Love is the perfect gift!

Sheila and Sarah Day 24

Sheila Day 24: Comfort and JOY!

I thought that I might get off the hook this year for Christmas baking, and just a day or two ago, I articulated that to one of my friends.  I DID state that IF I was going to get a request, it would be from Jordan for peanut butter kisses.  It is 4 days before Christmas, and late yesterday, the request finally came in.  He figured that Mr. 4.0 this semester NEEDED mom's cookies.  I think Rah's blog last night had me thinking about "comfort of home" so I was happy to oblige the request. Of course that meant that I had to go and do a little shopping first thing this morning at Walmart.

Santa needed to do a little shopping to so I headed down the candy isle, only to discover, ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS CANDY IS GONE!  Oh nooooo . . . and then I looked closer, and what I saw was, wait for it, are you ready, here it comes . . . are you KIDDING ME, VALENTINE'S DAY CANDY!  Holy Hannah this is a new one and I really just wanted to go back home and withdraw into my bubble.  Even though Christmas is full of high's and low's, I am not even close to being ready to lose the albeit brief feelings of comfort and joy.  So here goes . . . loads and loads of COMFORT and JOY!  Hopefully, even Rah will feel the warmth of a little Hot Cocoa Home tonight when she reads after work.

After I saw the Valentine's Day candy, I made a decision, today was about COMFORT.  For me, often comfort is found in food hence my weight actually IS an issue.  I have really been watching what I eat, and in the midst of the holiday season, I have actually lost a little weight.  I keep track of what I eat and have been faithful, but today, I let that go and gave myself the gift of a day free from calories and tracking.  That being said, I had my first comfort.  McDonalds peppermint mocha . . . yummy!  I love the Christmas in a cup flavor and I smiled as its warmth went from my mouth into my stomach . . . I might have actually even moaned a little and sighed as I closed my eyes.  Just a lil taste of heaven!

Then I decided that China King was in order.  I would not eat it for lunch, but rather would save it for supper.  However, I ordered up my favorites and was met by Shirley's welcoming smile as always.  I am a regular!  I usually splurge once a week, and weirdly enough, there is something comforting about my favorites and the happy place it comes from.  After I picked it up, I trekked for home to bake.  I love to bake as it is therapeutic for me.  I typically do not eat what I bake, but rather opt to give it away.  I am not a big sweet eater so it is not one of my temptations, but today felt a little different?  Perhaps a splurge was in order:)

When I started the baking process, I realized I was out of brown sugar.  UGHHHHH!  Hate that as town is kinda far away.  I called my landlord and they happened to have some which he bopped over.  I turned on the TV and all of my old favorites were on.  Frosty and Rudolf and Alvin and the Chipmunks were the sounds that warmed my cozy little house.  The cookies were soon baking and I went to sit in the living room so I could peel off the wrappers.  Soon I had help . . . a lot of help.  Cats like CHOCOLATE!

Pretty soon the house smelled glorious!  The Christmas tree was on and the lights were glowing.  The cookies were covering my counter and I felt the warmth and comfort of home.  I prepared plates of cookies for my landlord and some friends around the neighborhood.  Jordan got a HUGE container which I will deliver tomorrow.  I have a confession.  I did not eat one cookie, or two, or three, or even four . . . I thoroughly enjoyed six cookies.  My lunch was sweet cookies, with a huge glass of cold milk, and warm chocolate kisses melting in my mouth . . . it was glorious!

When my landlord came to pick up his cookies he brought my mail and in it today was a special little unexpected gift.  My mama always said if we get one good friend from high school we are very lucky and I have Mary.  Mary and I have been friends since we were little girls.  I could and still can tell her ANYTHING and she knows EVERYTHING.  She has been with me through it all.  We celebrated weddings, we had babies, we watched them grow, we had family drama and pain, we watched our babies get married and we watched each others babies get married, we have laughed, cried, been angry, and survived as friends.  Today, another little comfort that brought me joy came from her.

I got a beautiful pair of socks that I am wearing tonight as I write.  They are called sole-mates and the coolest thing is that they don't MATCH!  Each sock is uniquely different from the one it is a mate to, and whereas the colors match, the socks do not!  The thought made me smile, the note made me happy, and the socks do keep my "tootsies" warm and they brought me a kiss of comfort for my day.

I was tired after baking and cuddled in to take a nap . . . mmmmmmmm.  It was so nice to snuggle into a blanket, turn on the Lampoon's Christmas, and be lazy for an hour or so.  I don't know when I have enjoyed a nap so much as I did today.  When I got up, I warmed up my Chinese and watched The Santa Clause . . . I LOVE that movie!

I had a ton of wrapping to do, and I actually LOVE to wrap packages.  I love the way the paper feels, the way the carefully chose items get tucked into their boxes and wrapped in ribbons and bows.  I love pretty paper, unique bows, and putting things in packages to throw the kids off.  As they have gotten older, I have not had to do that as much as they no longer are around to shake their packages as they once did.  Life certainly does change . . . sigh . . . I drug up all of my gifts, my paper, my bows, the tape, 2 scissors (I always lose one), and 2 pens (I lose them too).  I decided tonight I could use a tool belt for my wrapping tools!

I had TONS and TONS of help for this process too!  Both kitties played while Sophie sat in the chair and watched the fiasco ensue.  Little Dumpster Kitten had so much fun! She played and played, got in trouble for climbing the Christmas tree, and everything got wrapped that needed to.  Today was about comfort, and although there is now a new normal, we do take things from the past the give us comfort, bring them into the present where they are a gift, and open them.

Sarah Day 24: Comfort and JOY

I was up for HOURS last night trying to write my blog post. I had my worst case of writers block ever and that is NOT an exaggeration. It was terrible. What I was thinking in my head just didn’t sound right on my post. I would write, and then delete, and then write, and then delete until finally I decided that my blog was good enough. Finally, at 3:00am . . . after four long hours and one short post, I was going to go to sleep, thoroughly unsatisfied with the ending of what I wrote.

When I woke up this morning I had a text from mom that said “blog was awesome.” I opted to call her the second I woke up and explain in words what I was trying to put down on paper. Or, on screen I suppose. I was relieved when she understood exactly what I was trying to say. It’s not Christmas that lets me down, it’s the feeling that lets me down. She said that it is indeed a part of growing up but that we sometimes remember things better than they actually were. She explained to me that one day when I have children, I will try to create that “hot chocolate for the soul” for my own children, and one day they will probably feel the exact same way that I have felt.

When we were chatting, mom said that she was out doing some shopping and that she was going to have a cozy day where she makes cookies for my “4.0” brother, wraps the Christmas gifts, and orders Chinese food. When I heard her say  “4.0”, I suddenly felt like I was in 9^th grade again and Jordan in 11^th. Jordan has ALWAYS been naturally smart. School comes easy to him. Unlike some of us, like myself, where I have always had to work far too hard for my grades. I used to roll my eyes and mock my brother when he would talk about the “100%” he scored on his test, or the “A” he got on his paper. “Oh look at that, Jordan got an A again and he didn’t even study, how convenient.” So today, when mom said she was baking cookies for her 4.0 son (or however she said it,) I rolled my eyes a bit and mocked him in my head. Although I do recall actually saying to mom that it “must be rough being a 4.0 student.” That was a very Sarah comment. Perhaps it wasn’t the best way to say that I was proud of him. Ha. That’s what I call sisterly love!

Moms post today made me smile. I think it’s great that she spend the day in her home, baking cookies, watching movies, eating Chinese, and wrapping presents with the kitties. Mom does have the ideal cozy home. I always tell her that the second I walk in her door, I want to snuggle up with a blanket and take a nap. Her house is tiny, but it’s super cute and really comfy. I can only imagine how much more comfortable her home is with the smell of fresh cookies lingering through the house. Mom definitely did have a “comfort and joy” sort of day.

Comfort does bring us joy though, doesn’t it? We do find joy in the things that are comforting to us. After reading what mom wrote about her day, I couldn’t help but think about the next time I can have a “comfort and joy” sort of day. One of those days that I don’t work or even think about work. Hopefully a day where the house is already clean, because a messy house is not cozy or comforting! I foresee this day starting around 10:00am, because that’s when I’ll wake up. Then I’ll probably eat a bowl of cereal, take a shower, and put some sweats on. After that, it will probably be noon, so that means it would be time for a nap. I would nap until around 3:00pm, and then turn on Netflix to watch Grey’s Anatomy for ohh, say, six hours or so . . . because once I start Grey’s, I can’t stop. Then at 9:00pm, I would drag my lazy bum up to my bed where I would watch Friends until I fall asleep. I would probably have chocolate, Brisk iced tea, and gluten free pretzels next to me at all times during my cozy day. Along with my three cats, and possibly Jesse, if he’s free. Man on man, I am having serious withdrawals right now from a lazy day!

I think it’s extremely important for us to give ourselves a break once in a while and really focus on not focusing on anything. Those days are refreshing, and we are busy people. Some of us work long hours, or multiple jobs. Some of us work in a chaotic and fast-paced environment where our feet hurt when we finally have a chance to sit down. Some of us work a job that’s emotionally exhausting that carries with us all the time. Most of us have a hard time shutting our brain off at the end of the day when we finally crawl into bed. And even though we love what we’re doing and we love being busy, we NEED to take our personal days to relax and regroup. Those days bring true comfort and joy! 

Sheila and Sarah Day 23

Sheila Day 23

Today, Rah and I are going to change things up a bit and write a bit differently.  Here is how it is going to go.  I am going to start out our blog tonight with some concepts or ideas that have shaped my writing today, and Rah is going to see what has been sparked and she will finish.  Sounds like fun! So here goes:)

I have always been told the story about a baby Jesus lying in a manger while his mother and father lovingly stood beside the cradle.  Kings and shepherds came to honor the newborn king and brought gifts to celebrate his birth.  I was actually, well OLD, when I realized that the birth did NOT take place on December 25th, it actually took years for the kings and wise men to make their way to Jesus who was probably quite old by the time their journey was complete.  In a nutshell, this time of the year was chosen for a variety of reasons, but it is NOT because Jesus was actually born on that date.  In fact, nobody is exactly sure when Jesus was born.  I remember that it was like the wind was let out of my sails when I found out and my Christmas bubble was burst.  In many ways, the Christmas that I dreamed about each and every year, was an illusion of sorts.

Disillusioned . . . to be disillusioned is to be "disappointed in someone or something that one discovers to be less than one had believed."  Today, I had breakfast with my pastor friends, something that I do once a month.  It is an opportunity to check in, talk about life, and to reconnect with one another each month.  We are faithful in meeting and have done so for the past 3 years.  I look forward to this time each and every month.  We share personal struggles and journeys where no topic is taboo. We laugh, we cry, and we support one another.  Christmas is a hard time for pastors as a lot of things happen in the church and they literally cannot breath until the baby Jesus is born in the manger on Christmas Day!

After my breakfast, I felt great!  AWESOME!  Happy, happy, happy!  However, as it often does, life happens.  Silly little things can drag you down.  I popped into Walmart to get contact solution and a few other items.  I was standing with another young woman in line waiting for the self-checkout. Another women looked at both of us, huffed a little, walked past us and took the front place in the line. SERIOUSLY!  I took a deep breath and smiled at the woman in front of me.  The woman walked in front of us, she took the checkout before we could get there, and then she checked out.  She saw us, but her agenda was more important than simple kindness and respect.  I am trying . . . I am really trying . . . I have been TRYING TO SEE things positively, but I have had to really squint to see them amidst the harry carry of the holiday season.

I try and live a Christmas life all year long.  I think people are so disillusioned in Christmas because we are hoping to see the miracles, and trust me when I tell you they ARE there, but they are always there   . . . Christmas is NOT one day a year, it should be each and every day as we try to be a light of hope into darkened worlds . . .

Here you go Rah . . .



Growing up, my parents always created the best environment around Christmas time. The house was always decorated beautifully and the Christmas music was constantly playing. Mom usually had something baking in the oven every day that made the house smell delicious, and there was usually a kitty cat sleeping under the tree. We formed some amazing family traditions. Every Christmas, I would get this deep feeling down in my heart . . . so far down that it almost went to my gut. I LOVED it! It was a combination of feeling love, comfort, coziness and happiness and then I would stir it up, and it was like hot chocolate for my soul. Does that make sense? I really wish I could explain it better.

Ever since the day I moved away from home, the holidays have never been the same. I have to try REALLY hard to create that feeling deep, deep down in my heart again. Every year, I try to do the same things that mom used to do around Christmas time. I figure if I decorate my own house, play my own Christmas music and bake my own goodies, that I'll walk in my own door to my own home and instantly feel that "hot chocolate for the soul" feeling. But I don't. I am disillusioned.

Disillusioned means "being disappointed in someone or something that one discovers to be less than one had believed." Amen to that! Mom explained that she was disillusioned when she learned that the birth of Jesus was actually not on Christmas day. I, on the other hand, have known for many years that Jesus was not born on Christmas day, probably thanks to Mom. I'm sure she didn't want me to feel that same disappointment. Although I wasn't dissillusioned by baby Jesus and his day of birth, I do believe that I have been disillusioned by Christmas itself. I re-discover every holiday season that Christmas is less than I used to believe. I am disappointed every Christmas because I have discovered it to be less than I used to believe.

After all that being said, I am not going to stop trying to re-create that feeling that Christmas brought to me when I was a child and through my teen years. It was the BEST feeling ever! Almost like the moment you fall in love for the first time . . . only it would come every single year.

When a person dates someone for a while, they're building that person up. They believe that person will never let them down. They start to like that person more and more every single day. That person will always come through for them. They will always be there for one another. Every day the feelings that develop towards that person are more exciting. The anticipation of the relationship is exhilarating! And then suddenly it happens and in one day, that person knows exactly what love is. That's the feeling they have been waiting for their whole entire life and they want to continue to feel for the rest of their life. They can't imagine what it would be like to never feel that feeling again.

Now that I'm getting older, that's how I feel about Christmas. Around July, I catch a glimpse of Christmas. I start to get excited about it and I start building it up. I look forward to the winter weather, the fireplace, and the holiday classics on TV. I know that Christmas will not let me down this time. I know that Christmas will come through for me, because I need it to. As the days go one, I get more and more excited about what's to come. I can't wait to spend time with the ones I love. The anticipation almost kills me! But then Christmas comes, and instead of falling in love, we break up and I'm a little let down. I feel empty, like the hot chocolate didn't hit my soul and I'm not really sure why.

Sheila and Sarah Day 22

Sheila Day 22

I love the idea that from one tiny little seed of an idea, something really cool can grow.  Weirdly enough though, it takes more than just a seed for a seed to grow.  There has to be water, light, soil for it to take root in, and maybe then, and only then are the conditions just right for the little seed to crack out of its shell and take root.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a little boy named Sam who came to visit Santa Clause at the college.  Sam was so excited because he "thought" that the bag Santa had given him contained the train that he had asked him for.  He was giddy when he came home to his grandma eager to share his gift only to discover it was a bag of peanuts, some treats, and a candy cane.  I love that kiddos truly believe that anything can happen . . . even that the tiniest bag can produce a toy train.

The story really touched me on a lot of levels, but I am just one person, and although one person can make a difference on some level, it really is a ton easier if you can "get a little help from some friends." That being said, most of us on campus knew about Sam.   We did some research and discovered that Sam had a brother named Logan.  Both boys are living with grandma, and I can only imagine that dealing with two little autistic boys would be exceedingly hard.  So we began to plant some seeds, and the soil was just right, and the light came in, and the seed cracked and began to be filled with life.  And from that seed, their story grew and touched not only my heart, but another and another and another.  

Sam loves trains and Logan loves dinosaurs.  I ordered a Thomas the Train that whistles and makes all kinds of noise and one of the fellows I work with found the coolest dinosaur for Logan.  I ran and got some candy treats to put with the packages and then we got a gift for grandma.  However, this is where it gets totally FUN and I turn into a total PUDDLE!

Our WETCC Santa was recruited and he took the long trek with me today to Sam's home to surprise he and Logan when they got home from school.  Complete with our bag of gifts, we made the trek to the door and Sam came running giddy with JOY!  It was priceless to hear his squeals of delight as the jolly man delivered his "special" gift.  Sam plopped on Santa's lap while his brother shyly hid unsure if he should come out to claim the gift chosen especially for him.  As Sam started to open his gift, Logan quietly snuck into the room and began to look at what treasure was in his own gift.  Both boys giggled with pure excitement, and their grandma watched as her little boys received the Christmas Spirit from a bunch of strangers who were touched by her story and her little ones.

I have spent so much of this holiday season touched by little kiddos of all shapes and sizes in a whole bunch of settings.  I wonder if on some level I am on heightened alert as I seem to be noticing their little smiles, the joy they feel, their giggles and laughter, their belief in that which is magical, their messy little fingers and toothless grins, and their anticipation for that which they don't totally understand.  Maybe it is their total blind faith in humanity as I believe on some level I have lost that.  I trusted and believed once too, and then life got in the way, and whereas my faith in God grew, my faith in humanity sank to an all time low where it was left utterly battered and very broken.   I questioned on a lot of levels if I would ever be able to trust anyone again?  However, to trust we have to have to believe.   Perhaps through those chubby little faces complete with toothless grins, I might actually find the blind faith to believe again . . . sigh . . . tears . . . 

  

Sarah Day 22

I read a story today about a man with terminal cancer. The title reads, "Man Dying from Cancer Finds Comfort in Visits to Cat Shelter." There's a video with the article where the man talks about the cancer and shows where his tumor is located. He talks about the cats and how they make him feel better. If you have a moment, please take a minute to check out the article and watch the short video. It amazes me to see this man spending his dying days visiting the cats at a shelter, but then again, that's probably where I would be spending my final days too. Of course this story got me thinking about how this is really what Christmas is all about!

I have a friend who is the VP for an animal rescue in Minneapolis. She's a complete animal lover and is so good at what she does. For quite a while, she only fostered dogs. Pittbulls are her weakness . . . she definitely has a soft spot for them! But she recently started fostering cats as wall. The last time her and I spoke, I believe she said that she has nine kitties in her house that she and her husband are fostering. She said it's a mama and her babies. Can you imagine that many kittens running around your house? Kittens are hard work. Each one needs a lot of time and a lot of love. It takes a special kind of person to be able to foster both cats and dogs at the same time . . . the world needs more people like her!

I started fostering my first kitty about four months ago now. The shelter figured he was probably four months old when they took him in from the pound. Cats Cradle put on their Facebook page that this kitty was extremely scared and needed a special kind of home. When I called CC to ask about him, they decided my home would be a good match, and they were right. I took Peanut to open houses, and posted pictures on Facebook with comments about his personality, but he still didn't have any bites on a possible forever home. So after 12 weeks, I took him to his final open house and I told Jesse, "if he doesn't get adopted today, we're keeping him." Well, he didn't get adopted, and I was relieved because I loved him! Yup, I "foster failed" as they like to call it. Sometimes I hate that I foster failed. I was hoping to have success with my first, and be able to keep fostering. I'm hopeful that Jesse and I will foster another kitty when the time is right, but I need to make sure I'm mentally and emotionally prepared. Giving away a kitty that has become so attached to you can be extremely hard to do. 

Peanut

Fostering is critical for our animal shelters. They need to be able to continue to take in more homeless animals and they wouldn't be able to do that without fosters and adoptions. It really is amazing to see how many people do foster and how much they love doing it. It's very rewarding! I love to hear how well the animals are adapting to their new environment, and to see how their personalities are developing. Watching Peanut come out of his shell was such a gratifying feeling. It took weeks for him to finally wander out of his room (our spare room) but that was okay . . . he needed some time to adjust, and we had plenty of time to give him. Peanut needed to see what it was like to not be living on the streets with no mama and no one to love on him. Love was a new feeling for him and he was scared. Luckily, I had lots of extra hugs and kisses to give, and eventually . . . Peanut and I fell in love. =)

This Christmas, I ask that you help out your local animal shelter if you are able to. Maybe that means donating your time, or your money. Maybe it means donating some toys, blankets, pet beds, etc. Or maybe it means opening up your heart and adopting a pet, or opening up your home to foster a pet. Our rescues need all of these things every single day. Animal shelters are non-profit organizations . . . they rely on commitment and dedication from their volunteers to keep the shelters running and to keep finding our furry friends a home. Please, please, PLEASE help out your local shelter in any way that you can. The animals are begging you to help them find a home for the holidays!