Sheila and Sarah Day 3

Sheila Day 3: Angels Among Us!

When Sarah and I say that again we have had a really tough year, I assure you, that is a vast understatement!  In many ways it feels as though we women are a bunch of Humpty Dumpty's that have had significant falls, and all the King's horses and all the King's men, well they are looking at a pile of broken eggs trying to figure out what to do next?  What will be the step in assembling the eggs into something that even remotely resembles an egg . . .

Both my mom and I have gone through divorces this year.  I am crying AGAIN as it is the first time that I have written the words . . . between us we have 75 years of marriage history which has just blown away like the dandelion puffs in the wind scattering the seeds who knows where?  I can only speak for myself, but I have watched as my whole life's history has been reduced to a couple of totes and a few boxes.  Sarah says that I have turned into a cry baby, and I assure you that if you make the mistake of asking me about my divorce, I will start to cry . . . AGAIN!  I am grieving for what is lost on both fronts  . . . mine and my mom's.  I just never in a million years dreamt that THIS would be my reality.

I know that you cannot possibly see what I see . . . and you know why . . . the women in my family are INCREDIBLY GIFTED when it comes to putting on a happy, happy, happy face.  Very seldom will you find any of us externally having a pity party; however, in the quiet spaces of our lives, we are reminded of how broken our worlds really are. I really do come from a family of really tough women with incredible faith that helps them to get through situations plagued with adversity.  Sometimes we are dangling by those threads of faith holding on as tightly as we possibly can knowing IT will be what pulls us through.

Do you see what I see?  Today, a friend and I went to Red Lake Falls to bring some Christmas gifts I had picked up to my mama.  My mom is an incredible woman!  She doesn't even know how much of an inspiration she is to me!  She is struggling to make sense of the world that she now lives in, and I know that I have to meet her where she is at on her journey, recognizing where I am at on my own.  It is so painful to see her hurting and know that there is nothing I can do to make it much better.  Soooooo   . . . I pray . . . a lot!

Mom put on a cup of coffee and we sat and chatted for awhile.  It was cozy and my friend lightened up the conversation a bit so things weren't too heavy, but I can see the hurt in my mama's eyes.  It hurts my heart.  We decided we were gonna drag mom out for a little comfort food, after all, life is better with cheesy nachos and gooey pizza from DiMaggio's!  Grandma called as we were getting ready to go out. She always has mom put her hair in rollers so she is ready for church on Sunday, and today was no exception.  Sweet, I get to go see grandma too!  My grandma is a HOOT!  She is 92 years young and counting the days til she gets to see Jesus and my grandpa in her heavenly home. BUT God must know that we need her strength to help us through some "stuff" because he is just not coming to get her any time soon which she is NOT happy about.  She asked us to quit praying for her to stay because we were "messing" up her plan to go home!  I told her I never prayed any such thing . . . but then I thanked God that we had her this year!

Conversation with grandma is always interesting!  She does a ton of quilting and I ordered her the "perfect" seam ripper and she needed new one or 5! She told me that I has spoiled her for all other rippers!  As we sat there talking, I ordered her rippers while she talked about losing her teeth!  Grandma does not ever take out her dentures, but danged if she didn't lose her bottom teeth in her bed the other night.  She searched and searched and searched.  Finally, she found the blasted things tucked in the covers!  PHEW!  Then she said how loose the bottom teeth were now that she had lost weight.  She told us that they were sooooooooo loose that they literally walked all around in her mouth!  I seriously laughed so hard I thought I might pee myself a little . . . I did mention I was getting OLDER!

After some entertaining conversation, we decided to head out for supper.  The food was good, the conversation was good, the company was great, and mom's spirit lifted a bit.  There is a lovely young woman named Heather who always comes to talk with us when she sees us.  I actually babysat for Heather when she was a little girl.  She has the most beautiful blue eyes!  She was there last February as our waitress when dad collapsed in the restaurant, and needed to be rushed by ambulance, where he eventually received a pacemaker.  She doesn't know it, but she was there the night we found out that my dad would be moving on and the rest of us would be left to figure out what life looked like now.  And, she was there tonight.  She is so very kind and she came to talk with us.  She told us about her new adventure as her life too has had a number of challenges and difficulties.  I told her how happy we were for her.  She asked about dad . . . and I hurt for her as she heard the news from mom; however, Heather has taken some hard blows in her life and I felt her empathy and compassion as she spoke.   I wonder if Heather sees in herself what I see?

Tonight I sent Heather a message thanking her for her generous spirt . . . my prayer is that she can look in the mirror tonight and "see what I see!"  So for the Humpty Dumpty's that have fallen off the wall and are cracked and broken, look around, the King's horses and the King's men are disguised as "angels among us!"  I saw God today!

Sarah Day 3: Tis the season! Right?

Do you want to know what I saw a lot of today? People being mean and rude. People being bossy. I saw a lot of judgment and criticism. I saw people argue and fight. I saw some tears. "Tisisnt" this the season to be jolly? Maybe not.

As a "Debbie Downer," it's definitely easier to focus on the negative things that happen in my day, but I don't necessarily believe that only us pessimists do this. Sometimes, we as humans, focus on that one bad thing because it was just that bad. Sometimes, there is simply nothing anyone can do to bring a person up from that low. Words are hurtful and actions are too.

Today I overheard a group of friends gossiping about someone that they clearly didn't like. They were talking about a girl and "she's an ugly b****." That statement probably isn't 100% accurate. Maybe that group of friends was angry or jealous. Maybe the girl did something or said something that wasn't so kind herself. But how hurtful is that statement? Those four words could cut any person insanely deep on the wrong day.

Most of us have experienced something like this at one time or another. I know people have talked about me before. I've been gossiped about and called names. I've had "friends" spread rumors about me that weren't true. I've been lied to, back-stabbed, and bullied. But that's life, right? You live and learn. You try to forgive and forget . . . or at least move on. You try to better yourself, because if you change, then people won't talk, right? Wrong. People will always talk.  Don't change . . . be yourself.

So when I talk about myself being a negative person, I'm negative about my own life and my own experiences. I'm negative about my own situations and my own circumstances. I'm not negative about other people. I won't judge your situation, even if you decide to judge mine. Since the day I was born, my parents have taught me to be the bigger person, and I truly believe that I (almost) always am. Don't get me wrong, I've had my days. The bigger person isn't an easy person to be, but I do the very best I can.

So today I was shown something that I already know. People can be cruel. But I also know that people can be so good. I hope in the next few weeks, I'm able to see people being exactly the opposite of what this post is. I hope to see good friends embrace a great relationship. I hope to see beauty and laughter. I hope to overhear good conversations full of compliments and kind words. I hope to see someone defend a person they care about. I hope to see looooove! And when I do, I'll write about it.

Sheila and Sarah Day 2

Sheila Day 2: Day 2 . . . PHEW!

Soooooooooo I am thinking that this is going to be A LOT tougher than either Sarah or I imagined!!!!  I never, ever thought that I would say this, but it was actually much easier to just do a random act of kindness and to find the joy in giving.  It is much more difficult to actually pay attention, to look closely, and to see something special mirrored in the heart of another.  BUT the bigger question is GOOD LORD what do I do with that spark once I have it.  That being said, this is what my Where's Waldo-like"do you see what I see" quest went today!


I was excited to begin my day today because I was headed out of town to spend some time with a couple of friends, do a little shopping at some quaint shops, and I figured that the seeing world was my proverbial oyster . . . um NOT!  I saw lots of sparkly things, things in ribbons and bows, and unique little trinkets and fun things.  I saw a lot of people maneuvering like a herd of cattle trying to find the perfect little gift for that special someone, but nothing really sparked my interest a whole lot.

When I was in a shop, there was a lady that made bracelets out of spoons and forks.  Sounds weird, but they were really quite unique and interesting.  I found one that said FAITH on it, but it was too big. My friend brought it to the counter to see if it could be tightened to fit and it could so I decided to make my purchase.  She gave me the item for $10 less than the asking price . . . very generous and very sweet.  BUT still not what my heart seemed to be searching for . . . sigh . . . the day was progressing and still NOTHING!

We went for a late lunch, and I thought, it will happen here.  We had a nice lunch filled with laughter and conversation, but nothing that really was what I was looking for.  We had a great waiter and I thought about leaving an extra tip, but well, it still just did not feel like what I was trying to find.
We all went over to see our friends new house and it was filled with her 3 kiddos.  I LOVE KIDDOS!!!! One of the things that I miss the most about serving a church is being around the crazy chaos that seems to accompany a church house filled with kiddos.  She invited us in and immediately I had kiddos surrounding me.  They range in age. Trevor  is her oldest is 13, Ali is the middle and she is 6, and finally, there is a totally adorable little spitfire named Tyler and he is 3.  She assured me that they typically don't warm up to strangers, but then I am well aware that I am not typical where kiddos are concerned . . . bottom line, kiddos kind like me!  COOL!

Ali showed me all kinds of gymnastic tricks like cartwheels, somersaults, and she is working on mastering the table (aka backbend).   Trevor sat and chatted like a nice young man and I enjoyed his more grown up conversation.  And then there was Tyler . . . what a hoot is all I can say.  He was all excited and telling me all kinds of cool things when I said, "Shut the front door!" which is a saying that I often use like "you have to be kidding" or that is "way too cool!"  And his reply with his head shaking back and forth, "Nooooooooooo, the front door was shut!"  I am still laughing so hard that I can hardly write!!! I feel sparks everywhere and the tears are starting to well up in my eyes . . . thank God for letting me see those kiddos!

I saw the joy of life through the eyes of 3 kiddos today!  Ali reminded me of days past when Sarah used to flip all over, do round-off-back-handsprings, and use the world as her Jungle Jim.  She could climb before she could walk, and I remembered all the excitement and joy I have felt as I watched her grow into a beautiful young woman.  Trevor reminded me of my son Jordan who has now grown up into a man with a wife of his own.  I remembered him as a gawky 13 year old caught somewhere between a boy and a young man . . . such a tough time for boys.  And Tyler reminded me of the joy and excitement mirrored in life.  I left tonight feeling tons of sparks, and as I drove down the road heading for home, I remembered the song "Thank God for Kids!"

I do not know where the sparks that were lit will go just yet, nor do I know what I will do for someone because of them, but I do know that I really did see God today!

Thank God for Kids by the Oak Ridge Boys

If it weren't for kids have you ever thought
There would be no Santa Claus
Or look what the stork just brought
Thank God for kids

And we'd all live in a quiet house
With out Big Bird or Mickey Mouse
And kool aid on the couch
Thank God for kids

Thank for for kids, there's magic for a while
A special kind of sunshine in a smile
Do you ever stop to think or wonder why
The nearest thing to heaven is a child

Daddy, how does this thing fly?
And a hundred other where's and whys
I really don't know but I try
Thank God for kids

And when I look down in those trusting eyes
That look to me, I realize
There's a love that I can't buy
Thank God for kids

Thank God for kids, there's magic for a while
A special kind of sunshine in a smile
Do you ever stop to wonder why
The nearest thing to heaven is a child

And when you get down on your knees tonight
Thank the Lord for his guiding light
And pray they turn out right
Thank God for kids
Thank God for kids

Sarah Day 2: It's the little things!

Today I spent A LOT of time looking for what I was going to write about. That's the beauty of this blog, I have to really look and listen in order to find something that strikes me to write. I need to search for something that's beautiful or emotional . . . or maybe just something that tells a story. And I came across two people who were all of those things.

I started serving at Longhorn Steakhouse in Fargo a few weeks ago. LoHo is where I decided I would like spend my spare time on Friday and Saturday nights. It's a fun and relaxed atmosphere with great food and great people. The extra cash doesn't hurt either!

Today, a couple of the guests I was serving were two ladies. They were older. I'm guessing it was a mom and her daughter. Mom was probably in her 80's and the daughter looked to be in her 60's. They were inspiring from the very beginning and they were so cute to watch. They seemed to have most of the same hobbies and interests. They laughed back and forth as they told stories. They had the most beautiful hands. Hands that reminded me of my Great Grandma and my Grandma. I knew that they were two hard-working women.

After I left their tab at the table, I stopped back to check on them. I was surprised to see that they left me two handmade "snowflakes" on my book. When I picked them up to take a closer look, the ladies began to tell me about each one. The ladies told me that they're made using a certain delicate technique, and that they have made hundreds of them. They said a couple of years ago, they made 500 of them in one summer, and they used them to decorate a Christmas tree. Of course I asked them when they find the time to make all of these delicate creations . . . they went on to explain that they really enjoy watching the Red Hawks, so they like to make them when they watch the Red Hawks play. They proceeded to say that they have terrible eating habits, so these snowflakes keep them away from the concession stands. That made me giggle since they were both so tiny.

As the two ladies stood up to leave for the evening, I told them their snowflakes were beautifully created and that I couldn't wait to hang one of them on my Christmas tree. I explained that I was only going to hang one on my tree, because I wanted to keep one with me in my apron. Every time I open my black book to take an order, I'll find my tiny little snowflake and I'll remember how wonderful those two ladies were. I know this snowflake will be something that makes my bad days better. I only wish that I would have told the two of them about this blog. I know they would love to hear how much their story meant to me.

Sheila and Sarah Day 1

Sheila Day 1: Do YOU see what I see????

Mirror, mirror, on the wall . . . man, oh man, sometimes I hate the mirrors that I face each and every day. This past couple of years have been incredibly difficult and life has taken it's toll on me.  I can see slight lines beginning to emerge and I am very aware that I am getting older . . . UGHHHHH!  There are a lot of things that I don't like very much as my face stares back at me.  I focus in and I look into my own eyes.  They say that the "eyes are the window to the soul" and mine are no exception to that rule.   In them, if one looks closely, you can see through the cloudy shades of blue a lot of joy, happiness, pain, sorrow, hurt, and perhaps even some old wounds that have now scarred over a bit reflected in them.  Life is mirrored in my face, and I found myself wondering, do you "see" what I see?

Often the reflection that we see staring us in the face seems something ordinary or boring, and quite simply, nothing all that special. And I found myself thinking at what point in our personal evolutions do we lose the ability to "see" life and its incredible beauty reflected clearly in the many forms that life's mirrors take.  Weird that all we are able to see is mundane . . . sigh . . .    

Do you see what I see?  Sometimes it feels as though we are in a "House of Mirrors" at a carnival or fair where the images of life are twisted and distorted. Life's mirrors don't lie; however, as human beings those images become distorted by our own thoughts, feelings, actions, or inactions.   How and why do we lose the ability to see the incredible beauty reflected in the people that we care about and love, in strangers that leave a fingerprint for only a moment in time, or perhaps through life's experiences which are uniquely our own?  How often are we like the distorted mirrors projecting a false image into life's mirrors rather than those of acceptance and love?  I know that I am guilty of that . . . are you?    

Do you see what I see?  This holiday season my baby girl Sarah and I have decided to move from "do you hear what I hear" to "do you see what I see."  Admittedly, this one is going to be a CHALLENGE because it requires us to "see" outside and then change our perception from the inside out.  The goal is for us to really pay attention to what is going on around us and to "see" what image others are reflecting and allow that to spark something in our hearts.  Then we need to take it one step further by allowing that person's light to be reflected in something that we do for another, and perhaps by the time Christmas arrives, the light of Christ will be shining brilliantly and the mirror image will reflect one of peace, hope and love . . . "for the greatest of these is love"--I Corinthians 13:13

  
Sarah Day 1: Seeing is believing, right?

“I will be the first to admit that I am a pessimist by nature. It is, after all, the wisest way to be. We pessimists have everything to gain, whereas optimists have a fifty-fifty chance of being disappointed.” 

If you asked my mom, she would tell you that I possess many great qualities. She knows what my strengths are, and she knows my weaknesses. She could tell you about my personality, my emotions, my physical appearance. She could tell you all of my past injuries, the different sports I played growing up, who my best friends are, and all of my milestones in life. My mom definitely knows me. I believe with 100% of my heart, that my mother would say the one thing I do not have going for me, is my outlook on life. I would agree that my natural pessimism is not a great quality to evoke. It is the one quality that I can see and feel impact my every day life in a negative way. I find it highly unfortunate that it's so easy for me to be negative, and so incredibly challenging to be positive.

This past year has given me so many wonderful opportunities! Moving back to Fargo, living with Jesse, another adopted kitty, and my new job. Last year I told you that I would be going back to school in the fall. As it often does, life had a different road to take me on. I was fully registered to begin classes and I was only a couple of months away, but then I had a job opportunity present itself. I knew that God sent this job to me for a reason, so I took it. I embraced the change. Even the negative side of me will tell you that taking this job has been a blessing and was absolutely the right decision. One that I'll never regret. It is one of the positive moments that this past year has shown me.

Even in those positive experiences, there are negatives. There are things that are challenging, and I have definitely struggled. In my personal life, there have been challenges, and I have struggled. I find myself constantly focusing on those negative experiences and it is very tiring and emotionally draining. I need to change.

This year, with this blog, mom and I are focusing on things that we see. We are forcing ourselves to look at what is happening around us and search for the good that's still in the world. This negative Nancy, may struggle, but I am PRAYING that it will start to change my state of mind and bring true happiness to my life. That happiness that I know is deep down in my heart, but buried in all of the change this year has brought to myself and to my family. I have faith, that seeing is believing, and maybe I just haven't been looking hard enough.