Sheila Day 15
I am exhausted tonight and am feeling totally uninspired to write. Writers know that sometimes it is like squeezing turnips to get the juices flowing when you really aren't in the mood. That being said, the seeing quest is so much harder than Rah and I ever dreamt it would be. It has forced us into places that are uncomfortable, it has exposed our emotions both good and bad, and some days our proverbial tanks are running on EMPTY! My tank is E.M.P.T.Y!
Today has had so blasted many peaks and valleys that I am feeling a bit queasy from this ride we call life. I have begun to think that life is seemingly kind of bi-polar. One can start out the day one way, then blink your eyes and it is headed down another direction, and lo and behold when you think you are back on track, whoooooop there it is going yet another. Sometimes I get so exhausted by ups and the downs the lefts and the rights that I just want the time to stop the insanity if only for a moment so I can catch my breath.
Catching your breath is so hard when life deals you some powerful blows knocking the wind out of your sails, especially when you are seemingly gasping for enough air to clear your head and regroup. However, part of moving forward and not just staying stuck in the valley, requires us to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other.
Much of my day today was difficult, and as my day ended, I trudged out the door as though the weight of the world was on my back. I am typically such an optimistic person, but even those "glass is half full" folks sometimes say forget the glass, bottoms up! Today was one of those! Bottoms up, drink what's in the glass, and take a deep breath . . . sigh . . . better, much better!
Tonight I got to be a kiddo again and go to a kiddo movie with my mom, yes, in my heart I sometimes am 8 again. I am sure that at the end of the day, neither one of us really wanted one more thing to do, but we DID want to spend some time together as we have both been knocked on our butts. Then again, who isn't? So I grabbed a sub, we ate in the car quick, and we headed into the movie. We got our tickets, popcorn with tons of greasy butter, and our beverages and we were off to digress into the childhood world of Walt Disney. Dang that Walt knew a ton about making people feel young again!
We went to watch the movie Frozen which is a MUST see in my opinion. I have to point out that nobody I knew really wanted to go to the movie, on the other hand, I was dying to see it as I had heard it was AWESOME! My sister and her daughter went yesterday, and as she talked, I knew I wanted to see it. Oddly enough mom and I were totally on the same page, so that is what the two of us opted to do tonight.
This movie does not disappoint, and as soon as the video comes out, it is mine. We sat there with no need to talk, we didn't have to solve the world's problems, we didn't have to think about our own, and we could just watch the movie and pretend we were kiddos. The giggles from the munchkins in the movie blended with our own, and it was two-part harmony filled with joy and anticipation. We both fell in love with the characters and mom wanted her own reindeer and a snowman by the time we left . . . ME TOO!
Tonight was an unexpected gift. I saw a lot of things throughout my day, but what I saw tonight put the wind back into my sails, and I believe that it did for mom too. So even though we were probably both exhausted, it was the escape that we both needed . . . deep breath . . . sigh . . . ahhhhhhhh:)
Sarah Day 15: Never fear, the twinkle is near!
Well . . . after four meltdowns in the last three hours, I'm finally able to open my computer and write. Sometimes, I know that I'm a female because I cry for no reason. Other times, I know I'm a female because I cry for every reason. Tonight has been one of those nights where my response to everything, is tears. If you were planning on talking to me tonight for any reason, I suggest you hold off until tomorrow. I'm not sure I feel done yet.
Tonight I'm struggling with the possibility of not having Jordan and Sam at mom and/or dads for Christmas. Not at the same time as Jesse and I, anyway. I know that this is the first Christmas that mom and dad are officially divorced, so all I want is to try and make Christmas feel as normal as possible. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I usually decide that I can start celebrating around July, when the holiday is only six months away. This year, I didn't feel any Christmas spirit until October. It wasn't until November that I actually put up my tree, and even then, I didn't feel the joy as deep down in my soul, like i usually do. It's been a struggle to stay in the spirit. I'm of the belief that if I don't automatically feel the Christmas spirit, I have to create it. This is usually done by watching Christmas movies all day, listening to Christmas tunes, baking Christmas cookies, burning cinnamon candles, and having a cat in the Christmas tree at all times. Surely, I should be able to create some Christmas spirit.
However, after I talked with Jordan and realized that it's going to be extremely difficult to make Christmas work for all of us this year, I cried a little. We got off the phone, then I called Jesse and proceeded to cry a little more. Then Jesse and I got off the phone, and I realized that I was indeed not finished crying. I was in my car at the time, driving on my home. I was almost to me street when I looked to my left and noticed a Christmas tree in the window of one of the houses nearby. Then I noticed another tree in another house, and then another. I decided that maybe I needed to continue to drive for a bit and look at all the Christmas lights in or around the houses. I needed to find a little joy.
The word "twinkle" came to mind when I was looking at all the lights. The definition of twinkle is "(of a star or light, or shiny object) shine with a gleam that varies repeatedly between bright and faint." Twinkle is such a pretty word. When I think of other things that twinkle, my first thought is eyes. "Twinkle. A sparkle or gleam in a person's eyes." When I see a person who has that twinkle in their eyes, I feel like I also see it in their soul. I believe that we twinkle and sparkle when we feel good, or when we're happy. We twinkle when we're in love. Or when we get a new puppy. Twinkle is generally a pretty awesome description of the goodness someone feels deep down in their soul.
Tonight, that twinkle in my eyes and in my soul, is absent. It's inevitable that there are days that we just don't sparkle, no matter how hard we try. No amount of love or puppies can cure us of the diminished twinkle. There are days that we feel like all odds are against us, and we wonder what else could possibly go wrong, and then something else does. There are days that we are knocked down on our bums repeatedly and forced to try and get up again. There are days that we don't get up . . . we just choose to stay down while we wait for the next occurrence of "bad" to happen, because that makes it suck a little less. There are days that we feel a little broken, and we know it would be nearly impossible to try and create a twinkle. Sometimes, the fact is simple. The twinkle is gone and we feel dull without it. There are indeed days, that the only medication is a good cry, and the only treatment is a long sleep.
Well . . . after four meltdowns in the last three hours, I'm finally able to open my computer and write. Sometimes, I know that I'm a female because I cry for no reason. Other times, I know I'm a female because I cry for every reason. Tonight has been one of those nights where my response to everything, is tears. If you were planning on talking to me tonight for any reason, I suggest you hold off until tomorrow. I'm not sure I feel done yet.
Tonight I'm struggling with the possibility of not having Jordan and Sam at mom and/or dads for Christmas. Not at the same time as Jesse and I, anyway. I know that this is the first Christmas that mom and dad are officially divorced, so all I want is to try and make Christmas feel as normal as possible. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I usually decide that I can start celebrating around July, when the holiday is only six months away. This year, I didn't feel any Christmas spirit until October. It wasn't until November that I actually put up my tree, and even then, I didn't feel the joy as deep down in my soul, like i usually do. It's been a struggle to stay in the spirit. I'm of the belief that if I don't automatically feel the Christmas spirit, I have to create it. This is usually done by watching Christmas movies all day, listening to Christmas tunes, baking Christmas cookies, burning cinnamon candles, and having a cat in the Christmas tree at all times. Surely, I should be able to create some Christmas spirit.
However, after I talked with Jordan and realized that it's going to be extremely difficult to make Christmas work for all of us this year, I cried a little. We got off the phone, then I called Jesse and proceeded to cry a little more. Then Jesse and I got off the phone, and I realized that I was indeed not finished crying. I was in my car at the time, driving on my home. I was almost to me street when I looked to my left and noticed a Christmas tree in the window of one of the houses nearby. Then I noticed another tree in another house, and then another. I decided that maybe I needed to continue to drive for a bit and look at all the Christmas lights in or around the houses. I needed to find a little joy.
The word "twinkle" came to mind when I was looking at all the lights. The definition of twinkle is "(of a star or light, or shiny object) shine with a gleam that varies repeatedly between bright and faint." Twinkle is such a pretty word. When I think of other things that twinkle, my first thought is eyes. "Twinkle. A sparkle or gleam in a person's eyes." When I see a person who has that twinkle in their eyes, I feel like I also see it in their soul. I believe that we twinkle and sparkle when we feel good, or when we're happy. We twinkle when we're in love. Or when we get a new puppy. Twinkle is generally a pretty awesome description of the goodness someone feels deep down in their soul.
Tonight, that twinkle in my eyes and in my soul, is absent. It's inevitable that there are days that we just don't sparkle, no matter how hard we try. No amount of love or puppies can cure us of the diminished twinkle. There are days that we feel like all odds are against us, and we wonder what else could possibly go wrong, and then something else does. There are days that we are knocked down on our bums repeatedly and forced to try and get up again. There are days that we don't get up . . . we just choose to stay down while we wait for the next occurrence of "bad" to happen, because that makes it suck a little less. There are days that we feel a little broken, and we know it would be nearly impossible to try and create a twinkle. Sometimes, the fact is simple. The twinkle is gone and we feel dull without it. There are indeed days, that the only medication is a good cry, and the only treatment is a long sleep.
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